How to Mindfully Deal With Jerks

Give this loving-kindness practice a shot when dealing with difficult people and see what you notice.

By Elisha Goldstein | December 4, 2015

kantver/Dollar Photo Club

There’s a practice I’ve been doing for a while that is so simple and yet so impactful in working with difficult people and also bringing a sense of 
balance and perspective in the moment, it’s almost shocking to me. I live 
in Los Angeles, which is well known as a city with one of the highest degrees
of traffic. If we were to be able to peek into the average LA driver’s brain I 
think you’d see a hyperactive amygdala and most of the blood flow moving 
out of the prefrontal cortex. In other words, LA drivers can be a large group 
of difficult people with emotions and stress running high.

One day while I was driving here I was cut off by a sports car that seemed 
to be speeding and weaving in and out of the lanes. My teeth locked together 
and my shoulders tensed and what went through my mind is only appropriate 
on HBO. In that moment I realized how tense I was and likely how out of 
control that driver was. It made me think of all the cars on the road and how 
many people were very likely tense in their cars. That simple recognition 
sparked the beginning of something important. My shoulders dropped a bit and 
the question arose, “What is it that I’m actually needing right now?” The word 
“ease” came to mind. So I said…

• “May I be at ease…” (Me)
• “May you be at ease…” (The out of control sports car driver)
• “May we all be at ease…” (All the drivers on the road)

Doing this simple three-part practice took me less than 30 seconds and 
rapidly transformed my experience from disconnection and rage into 
connection and balance. To me, happiness means that I have a rock-solid 
internal sense that no matter what comes my way, I’m going to be okay. 
This practice gives me that feeling. It makes me move beyond seeing the 
other driver as just another jerk on the road (in other words, an object) 
and instead as a person. It gives me the experience that I’m actually okay.

You don’t have to be on the road to test drive this. I strongly suggest giving 
this a shot when dealing with difficult people. See what you notice.

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and conducts a private 
practice in West Los Angeles. He is author of Uncovering Happiness: 
Overcoming Depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion (Atria Books, 
2015), The Now Effect (Atria Books, 2012), Mindfulness Meditations for the 
Anxious Traveler (Atria Books, 2013), and co-author of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook (New Harbinger, 2010).